Funny* Things the Intern Has Said

I've had to paraphrase some of them, as I didn't hear the end of the sentences once my ears began bleeding.

- I don't like The Gays.

- We don't need Unions. (This is after one of our clients told us about how her father was a local Union Leader.)

-WalMart is the best thing that America has going for it. It symbolizes the American dream.

- Ya'all've been brainwashed on the environment. The truth is that a bunch of tree-huggers on barges rode up the Mississippi in the 80s and scared the people with all of their garbage, claiming that the landfills were full. Well there's plenty of landfill space. Enough to last us 500 years. I've done my research.

-I think we should nuke the Middle East. It's not like anything good has ever come out of it.

What really bothers me about the intern is that he is absolutely sure that he's right. He keeps tells us about the research he's done on these topics. He's not just stating his opinion; he's lecturing us on what we're supposed to think. I'm not even so bothered by what he says; I'm bothered by how he says it. I know that he won't be hired full-time, but I'd really like to see him fired now. Unfortunately, I think everyone else in the office is being too nice to him. I'm the only one that has told him to "shut up" or "I'm too busy to talk about this now, maybe later." I'm also the only one he's apologized to for something he has said. And I answered back with, "Oh, you've said many more things that have offended me."

The intern's manager today, asked me how I've managed to keep the kid away from bothering me. I told him that as soon as we learned that he was a homophobe, I mentioned to him that he reminds me of an ex-boyfriend. I didn't actually say this to the intern, but I wish I had. I think he really avoids me because I tend to ignore him when he stops at my cube.



*Funny in a Hitler kind of way.
**Did you know that the asterisk was first used by Aristophanes?

Neapolitan Ice Cream

On Saturday I went fishing with Jake and Justin on Lake Pewaukee. I did not make that up. You can't make up names like Pewaukee. We caught no fish. We didn't even get a bite. But we saw the carp spawning. We touched leeches. We ate sandwiches. We fed ducks. And Jake fell in the water. It was a blast.

Someone had to say it

Today I finally cracked and told the intern, "Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about." Clearly, I am not management material.

My coworkers are thrilled by this because they think of me as "the nice guy" in the office, and I was the first to snap. Too be fair, though, they didn't have to share a golf cart with the guy during the company golf outing today.

I lasted until the 12th hole. That's when he began telling us the evils of unions. (We had been talking about Bruce Springsteen. I saw his concert last night. It was super.) I let him go on about unions because the client that was part of our team had interupted him to tell us that her father was in a union and big supporter. But did that stop our intern? No. Stay the course. We don't pontificate with the audience we want, we pontificate with the audience we have. I let him go because it's getting to the point that I want him to be fired. However, I did finally step in when he began to sing the praises of my least favorite store (besides the ones where kids can make their own dolls and bears) - a store that rhymes with Mal-Mart. He actually talked about how it symbolizes all that's great about America! Ugh. By this time we were back at our cart and out of earshot from our clients. Luckily, my little talk quieted him down for the rest of the day. My only regret is that I hadn't paraphrazed The Big Lebowski: Shut up, Intern. You're out of your element.

Gore bandwagon

The danger of not seeing An Inconvenient Truth: You may continue to live in denial of Global Warming.

The danger of seeing An Inconvenient Truth: You may vote for Al Gore.

Really, go see it. You'll learn so much. But walk to the theater, you'll feel too guilty to drive home.

yuengling sighting

Miller Park. Saturday, June 10th. 6:00 p.m. CDT

The sighting occurred at the entrance to the stadium. The drinker was ahead of me by 2 people, but I pushed them out of the way to make my beer connection. I tapped the drinker on the shoulder. Once, and then much harder the second time. He turned around, probably looking for a fight, but then he saw the longing in my eyes as I said, "Hey! Where did you get that Yuengling? Do they sell it here?"

He replied, "My buddy brought it from Pennsylvania. It's good beer. I don't even know how to pronounce it." This would be the point of the conversation that he was supposed to say, "Come back to our tailgate. We have a truckload of Lager." But instead he turned and headed to the ticket taker.

Later, Jake told me that he thinks the guy threw away half of a can of beer before entering the park. It's a crying shame.

At the Bar:

Donny: Doesn't that guy look like Ray Nagin?
Jake: He's the white chocolate version of Ray Nagin.
Jake: Hey Katie, c'mere. Look; it's Ray Nagin.
Katie: That's the white chocolate version of Ray Nagin.
Jake: That's my girl.

I burned my eye lashes while grilling today.