Parties

Have you read Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf? As The Hours says it really is about a woman having a party, but it is so much more. Today I threw a party and I could not help but think about Mrs. Dalloway (or Clarissa) and what happens to her in the book. It is not a very exciting book because it is mundane. However, because so much of it resembles my thoughts and feelings I found the book to be enthralling.

I wondered why I threw the party today. Did I simply want to see my friends in one place? Did I want my friends to have a chance to spend some time together? Did I want to prove that I have friends? Or could I also have wanted to give an opportunity for my friends to meet each other? I am not entirely sure of what my answer is. I know that I like all of my friends. I like their attitudes and thoughts. I want to know how they think, and I appreciate every chance I have to spend with them. But given my anxiety as various people showed up today, I wonder how much I wanted them to like each other.

And, although I do not normally reveal my feelings on this blog, I was struck by how I felt as the remainder of my party left tonight. I wanted them to stay. I felt lonely and I just wanted them in my house longer. I know that there are various dynamics in my circle of friends that complicate these feelings, but I wanted more time with other people. I spent all day cleaning and cooking and waiting for others. I wanted more time with them. And I write this because it reminds me further of Mrs. Dalloway, who even though was surrounded by others, still felt lonely. I feel lonely, although I am surrounded by good friends, and I do not know how to break out of the feeling. Perhaps I just have to wait for it to pass.