charming

I have been home for most of the day with NPR playing in the background while I study. I don't know how many times I have heard it mentioned today that Judge Alito's confirmation will not go as smoothly as Justice Roberts, because he's not as charming. Is that really such a big deal? I mean, certainly, John Roberts took the "Most Attractive Justice" title from...uh...well...well, he has the title now, but I really didn't think that played a role in the selection of a justice. Physical features are important for elected officials, but I thought appointed positions are based more on abilities and cronyism.

Matt & Matt & Kate

Last Thursday, I drove out to Madison for a Matt Nathanson concert. It had two opening acts: Kate Earl and Matt W-something. I had convinced a friend, Ann, to come for the drive with me; it was our first road trip.

I took the afternoon to study, so we were able to get on the road, sharply at 5 o’clock. Ann’s a teacher so she had been home at 4. Even with our early departure though, we hit traffic leaving Milwaukee. But really, the worst Milwaukee traffic is better than Chicago traffic at 8 pm on a Sunday. We had a good ride. Ann and I have mutual friends and we were able to compare stories on them. Ann was also planning a Halloween party so we talked about that. The conversation was pretty mundane and didn’t really get good until we each had a drink at the pub where we ate dinner. When I say, “we” I mean Ann as she is small and it only takes one drink for her conversations to go into normally taboo waters.

The concert began at 7:30. We were in the doors at 7:35. But alas, we only heard one of Kate Earl’s songs. We were buying drinks during “Hero” and only made it to the “stage area” for “Officer.” I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see more of her set. But it was nice after the show when I talked to her at her merchandise booth. I asked her to sign my CD and Ann took it from her purse. Kate asked, “Did you bring this with you? Did you buy this in a store? That’s great.”

I replied, “Yes, the radio in Milwaukee plays you all the time.” But I don’t think that she was impressed with our 90-mile trek to see her perform. I suppose 90 miles to an Alaskan is nothing. When that didn’t get much reaction, I said, “My friends saw you last week in Boston and thought you were great."

But I dropped that train of thought though, because Kate only said, “You bought my CD in a store. That’s great.” She was cool. She signed my CD “To Donny [heart] Kate Earl. So, apparently she has already forgotten Tom.

The first Matt on the stage wasn’t as bad as I had expected. Tom and Felecia had me prepared for torture, but it was ok. The girls sharing our table told us that they actually came to the concert for Matt W-something; that he plays on campus sometimes. Most of the audience knew who he was and sang along to his songs. Ann thought he was adorable. But that may have been the beer talking. He did have a short guy playing a guitar next to him. I only mention this because I thought the guy was sitting down, but he wasn’t – just very short.

Matt Nathanson made it to the stage, but he wasn’t alone. He had a band. Huh? Where’s the cellist? I want Matt Fish, not drums, rhythm guitar, and bass. I thought about the other performances of his that I’ve seen in Boston, and part of the attraction was that it was just MN and his guitar (sometimes accompanied by cello) putting on a show. Sometimes quiet, sometimes surprisingly rocking, but never with all the extras that tend to cover up lyrics and melody.

MN mostly played his own songs. We didn’t hear any Bon Jovi or Boston. Is this because he’s gaining popularity, or is this a different audience in Wisconsin? The only covers we heard were Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf,” Prince’s “Starfish & Coffee,” and James’ “Laid.” But I don’t count the last two as covers because he plays those all the time.

I was also surprised at how lewd MN was. I don’t remember that. At one point he went on and on about the drummer’s penis. It wasn’t cute, like a story about “the best chicken you’ve ever had” just dirty. Actually there was a lot of talk about genitalia. It was somewhat awkward. Those of you who saw him in Boston last week, did you have a similar experience? Has MN changed over time, or just over distance?

I went to MN’s website recently and noticed that he has a new tour stop – in Milwaukee. I didn’t have to drive the 90 miles; I can walk to his next concert. And the concert is in 2 weeks, on November 15^th. I’m not sure if I want to go. I had a great time in Madison, it just seems too soon. Also, it’s at Marquette University, in their auditorium, and I’m not sure if I want to sit in a theater with a bunch of college freshmen. But, that’ll be a week after my exam and if I can find a buddy to with me, I think I’ll cough up the money.

Quotation of the night

Me (to Jake): Whenever I end up talking to strange drunkards at the bar like that guy, I always end up feeling homesick.

Set-up for Failure

This afternoon I am home studying for my next exam, which will be here in less than 2 weeks. I am not ready. And I'm starting to prepare myself for failure. This isn't really a big deal, though. Most people fail Exam 3 on their first try. Most fail it on their second try too. The pass rate is usually about 30% so actually most people just plain fail it. This is the important exam that is based on actuarial mathematics. This is the whole reason that actuaries exist. Other exams cover calculus, statistics, regression, time series, economics, laws, interest theory, etc. But this is the crux. If one is bad at this exam, he probably won't be a good actuary.

I have never had a class on actuarial mathematics. So, while most students spend two semesters on this subject, I had to learn it on my own in 3 months. I have done a good deal, but it probably hasn't been enough.

On my side, however, is the fact that for the last exam sitting, Exam FM (sequencially before Exam M) was much easier than expected. They passed about 70%, which is unheard of in the actuarial community. Therefore, there are a good number of extra people taking my exam who probably don't realize how much they should be studying. Luckily though I have some earlier experience before FM was so easy, so I have a grasp of what is expected of me.

Despite my concerns though, I am driving to Madison tonight, to see Matt Nathanson and Kate Earl. Whoohoo. What if I get hit by a bus the day before my exam? I'd be upset if I missed this concert for an exam that I never even took.

Weekend Update

I told myself that I would study on Friday night. But I went to dinner with Jake, Katie, and Christie. Christie is from Moscow, PA. She was recently offered a job in Milwaukee as an engineer. She lives in my apartment complex. We had dinner and then Jake and Katie had their own plans. Christie and I went to all of the open art galleries around the downtown as it was Gallery Night in Milwaukee, but we became tired of that decided to go barhopping instead. I took her to the spy-themed speakeasy, which she loved - though she didn't like their special "code beer." We then made our way to the dueling piano bar. She had never been to one but we had a great time. We had run out of cash at this point of the night and there was a $20 minimum to use our card. So what else could we do? We had to keep ordering beer.

On Saturday night, two of my coworkers through a party at their house in the suburbs. They invited quite a few people from work so I asked if I could bring some of my friends. They thought that this would be great, so I brought Jake and Katie, Christie, and Ann. There were only five other guests who showed up at the party. So, I literally was half the party. We carved pumpkins and watched the World Series. In honor of the White Sox, I wore my new mullet wig. It was hot. I don't mean that in the temperature way, even though it did keep the back of my neck warm. I again carved a George W. Bush jack-o-lantern, but it wasn't nearly as good as last year's. They eyes weren't beady enough, but I again captured the sneer and the big ears.

I worried that Jake and Katie didn't have a good time at the party but today Jake told me what a good time he had. I wonder if the big screen TV helped. He mentioned that since moving to Milwaukee he usually hangs out with Katie's family, "which is cool, but it's nice to be with a bunch of people our age again." He then gave some examples that he could make obscure Simpsons references and jokes about animal sex and nutsacs. (We played Balderdash and had to come up with the storyline of a movie titled Pardon my Trunk.)

Church this morning. And a run in the early afternoon. I fell asleep while studying. Ann and Karen invited me to their apartment for a homemade pizza dinner tonight. That was a relaxing time as we sat around the table and made fun of each other all evening.

Ray called tonight and we talked for quite a while. He had his military medical check on Friday and tomorrow he has his physical fitness test. I don't know how I feel about his joining the marines. I suppose if it's what he really wants to do, then he should go for it. But it's also quite scary.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what's missing from my Milwaukee friends. Jake and Christie keep me talking about our mutual friends from Boston and Moscow and I can't help but be reminded of how good I had it in both of those locations. After this weekend I felt that I now have the materials to build a circle of friends here in Milwaukee. I have talked to both, Jake and Christie, about this and they want to be a part of it too. Part of me is concerned that I didn't put as much time into studying this week that I spent on socializing. But then the rest of me feels that there is an optimal time to build relationships with people or you miss that chance. Now may be one of those times and tests will be given again.

For those of you that know Ray, you may find this hard to believe, but I always feel so much better after talking to him. Somehow he always makes me think about what's actually important in life. I don't know if it's because we find stress in different things, or because some of our values are completely at odds with each other, but I always come away from our talks feeling that the world is going to work out just fine.

P.S. Happy Mole Day

No escape

Hands down, the most uncomfortable time during my visit home, was a conversation with my mom while we drove to a quilt show. The quilts were in Montrose, PA, which is about 1 ½ hours from Moscow. It’s an extremely picturesque drive, passing old farmhouses and homes with large verandas. The leaves on the rolling hills were a range of colors and they were still on the trees. We took backroads because we had the time and it was a lot prettier.

However, for part of the drive I was distracted from the scenery because we talked about menopause, and more specifically, my mom’s menopause. (I’m not going to worry about her reading this entry until she learns to turn on a computer. And even then I don’t think she could navigate the internet anyway. I’m not being mean - during the weekend she asked me if an iPod is something to sleep in.)

The conversation started innocently enough. We never actually said the word, “menopause.” Mom was telling humorous stories about how emotional she is these days. She can’t read the newspaper mostly because of the coverage of dead soldiers, however less emotional stories get the tear ducts going too. She also says she cries during church. She then moved onto stories about her friends, mostly the Material Girls (her quilt group). She also told me about a neighbor whose husband has suggested that his wife see a psychiatrist. We both laughed at this because we think the couple needs psychiatric help for much more serious reasons. Mom then started going off on how men don’t understand and how dumb we are. She brought up 13-year-old girls and I panicked. Suddenly staring straight ahead out of the windshield wasn’t enough separation from this topic.

I did what any nerd would do in my situation. I made the topic scientific, even a little mathematical. I recalled the information from my research paper on estrogen and Alzheimer’s disease during junior year’s endocrinology class. I talked about how a man produces a level amount of estrogen through his whole life so there’s no shock to his body. When his testosterone level rapidly declines, it doesn’t affect him as severely as a woman is affected by her estrogen drop. There are theories relating women’s decline in estrogen to the higher relative number of female Alzheimer’s patients. My mom had nothing to add to this part of the conversation, as I had hoped. I had successfully hijacked the conversation. We turned to talking about the silly exploits of the neighbors and we never looked back.

Church benediction

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you will live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you will work for justice, equality, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them and change their pain to joy. And may God bless you with the foolishness to think that you can make a difference in the world, so that you will do things, which others tell you cannot be done.

-Author Unknown.

Ranger School

One of the first things I thought about on September 11, 2001 was the Draft. I remember crossing the Mass Pike to the boathouse for my sailing class and thinking about whether we were at war. I walked with Beth and Jackie who were talking about apartment things. That discussion seemed silly at the time, but they had not watched the news that morning and I had only overheard rumors of "attacks" at the library, so I did not feel it was my job to spread possibly false information. While they talked my mind raced with all of the possabilities that "attacks" could mean and what the United States' response would be. I thought about what my response to that response would be. Would I join the military or wait for inscription? Or would I dodge it? I even had a professor at the time (chain-smoking, Green Quaker), who told us that if we (the men in her class) needed help in the future she knew ways to get out of a war.

During this time I remember often talking about the Draft to my friends. And it was funny because all of the guys had similar reactions to the attacks - we first thought about military service, but the girls hadn't given it nearly as much thought. As the days and then weeks passed, we realized that this wasn't WWIII. Dubya came out of hiding and we had a better idea of what action would be taken. It would not be such a large-scale operation as I had been thinking about. We began to return to thinking more about our individual advancements and not so much of the country's. However, Tyler continued to talk about military service. At the end of sophomore year, actually on the 4th of July, he told me that he intended to enlist after graduation. I thought it was a good idea. He gave me professional reasons for why it was a good move, but I know his decision was more for personal reasons, and I agreed with those.

Later that year, my feelings towards the military started to change. I dealt with high school friends who had enlisted. They weren't happy. The war in Iraq began. People were questioning why the US was there. And I hoped that Tyler's decision had changed.

But it didn't. And he enlisted. And he's been in training for more than a year now. And I hope that his training continues until the various campaigns are complete. Or I hope that he's stationed in Oklahoma.

Today he begins training for Army Rangers. He should be proud of his making that cut. I am and I'm also impressed. I hope he excels - I think he will - but part of me would like to see him return home.

Matt & Kate

I just bought my tickets for the Matt Nathanson and Kate Earl show.

Work

Today I had a meeting with my people manager (PM) - the guy I was recently assigned to because the original person quit. I don't like my new PM, professionally nor personally. Two months ago, when we set up this meeting, I had no idea what we would talk about. However, I had plenty to say today. Of course, he spent a good deal of time talking about things completely unrelated to my job. He spent 15 minutes talking about Medicare reforms. I work on Pensions. I know it was 15 minutes because I watched the clock outside his window for the entire time.

One highlight of the meeting was when I said my annual goals were "silly" and "I'm not going to do these."

Another good part of today's meeting was the look on PM's face during the following exchange:

PM: Well, at least we've recognized the problems.
Me: But you recognized these problems a year ago. It's frustrating to know that Brian and Mike [the guys who quit this summer] had these same complaints a year ago, and now I have them.
PM: uuuuhh. Yeah, we don't want you to quit.

This was actually enough to get PM to sit up straight. He spent most of the meeting leaning back in his chair with his feet on his desk. He also yawned at least 7 times. Like a lion. In the middle of his sentences. I don't even think he knows he does it. It's rude, but it bothers me more just because it's awkward. Do I avert my eyes from his feet on the desk? Do I not look at his tonsils while he's yawning? These situations did not come up in corporate orientation training.

In other office news, a stressed out Jason (5 years my senior but the next person in seniority to me) snapped back at a consultant and pulled me into his complaint too. He makes a valiant complaint, with which no one can argue: we have too much work, all of it is labeled as "urgent," there has been no signs of new hires, and they expect us to have time to study.

Also, I heard that at a planning meeting, the bigwigs were discussing future projects and they kept saying, "Well, Donny's on that team." or "Donny's supposed to do that." until finally someone made a remark that I can't possibly do everything that was mentioned.

So, what I'm trying to get at is that today at work, everyone was super-nice to me. I think either they're afraid that I'm going to quit without warning or they know that they'll be asking me to do work for them in the near future.

Along this line, Jason greeted me this morning with, "Oh, you're hear today?"

"Yeah, did I say I was going to be somewhere else?"

"No, there are just some days that I wonder if you're going to come back here the next day."

holiday

Was today a holiday? I noticed that none of my friends posted today except for Jenn, who wrote about her day off. I worked. I worked for a little under 12 hours. And I did not enjoy it.

The best part of today was after work. A friend of mine from Pennsylvania, Christie, has moved to Milwaukee and tonight, we met at a local bar. I had dinner and she had some post-dinner soup. She told me about her weekend and how she's doing in Milwaukee. She ended up moving into the same apartment complex that I'm in, though a different building. It's funny that she's going through some of the same experiences that I had a year ago. For example, she tried the neighborhood church, where they prey on young people, and was frightened away despite their zealous invitations to socialize after church.

She realized that everyone else at work is married. And they talk about football all of the time. (I let her know that the football talk doesn't stop when the season is over either.) Her boss drives an SUV and has a W '04 sticker on it. Christie's an environmental engineer and was greatly bothered by this last discovery. At least I know that she's signed on for a year-long lease, so she has to give Milwaukee a decent chance.

Moscow Update

Today was my first full day back home in Moscow, PA. It is my sister, Kelly's, 22nd birthday.

I woke up at 8 to go for a walk around the neighborhood with my mom, like we used to do when I was in middle school - before I had a job or a driver's license to get away from the house. We talked about life as a 20-something. It was an actual conversation. She listened to what I had to say and I didn't tune out some of her stories. It was nice.

Back at home we watched a little Regis and Kathie Lee (with Kelly Ripa). We watched a little Ellen and then the painter guy, Paul, showed up. Paul is painting most of the house because my parents are buying a new refridgerator. It's a long story; let me elaborate. Dad wants a new fridge because he cooks now. When I lived with Dad, he used to have me make him sandwiches because he didn't know where the mayonaise was. Dad wants a new fridge - one that he won't have to bend down to the vegetable drawer. This higher-vegetable model is 33 inches wide - 3 inches wider than the allotted space. So, they need to move the kitchen cabinets. If one moves the cabinets though, new wallpaper will be needed because the wallpaper is very dirty, especially near the stove where Dad has learned that pots need lids or they spatter. Well, as long as the wallpaper is changing let's put in new floor covering. Lose the linoleum, bring in the hardwood. And while you're at it, put hardwood floors in the living room too. Rip up the carpet. And then, this is where the logic loses me, paint the whole house too. At the bar tonight, Kelly added to this story and told me that my parents also plan to get a plasma TV for above the fireplace.

My mom asked me today if an iPod is something to sleep in.

I studied this morning while Paul whistled about the house.

I went running around Lake Scranton with Jim. I learned some good gossip from him. Chris's girlfriend is pregnant. Carrie has a top-secret government job. And I can't remember the rest but it was a run's worth.

I went to the cider mill with Kelly. We bought apples and cider. She revealed some family gossip that I never knew about and has me concerned. She also told me about a recent suicide - a kid a year ahead of me in school - actually one of the elementary school bullies. Even my dad asked, "Wasn't he the mean kid on the bus?" (My dad would struggle to name ten people I graduated with, but somehow he remembers this guy.)

I visited with my high school Latin teacher, the Kak. We talked about books, her medical problems, my life in Milwaukee, and more gossip. The ninth grade English teacher has certainly left his wife for the geometry teacher who is going through a divorce. This story was confirmed by the woman I sat next to during my flight from Detroit to Scranton. Very coincidental, but during my flight, I sat next to an old teacher from my high school. I never had her, but she knew my name. I was going to press her for details during my flight, but I knew that the Kak would tell me just as much, but without judgement.

Dinner with the family at one of the Japanese restaurants in town. I ordered the sashimi, and didn't have to share with anyone. Great.

After dinner, Kelly and I hit up the bar for her birthday. No drunken debauchery, but we did see some old friends of mine. It probably wasn't tons of fun for her, but if her friends were old enough, they were welcome to come out too.

I had better go to bed soon. Tomorrow I'm going to a quilt show with Mom.

ugh

I have a client meeting at 8 am tomorrow. Straight from work, I'm going to the airport to fly home. Speaking of home, a girl from Moscow moved to Milwaukee today. She's already offered to drive me to the airport. I love the small-town mentality of always helping our neighbors. I've already offered her the use of my car while I'm gone so that she can look for apartments. She also may need some supplies for the new apartment while she waits for her grandparents to drive here with the moving truck. I think I may put together a survival kit - you know some utensils, a lamp, duct tape - the essentials, for the mean time.

Kate & Ray

Katie called me. She's back in the states but she has a long lay over in LA. A one-week layover. Her friend, whom she's staying with, sent her a message saying that he'd be late at work and she should find dinner on her own. I told her to give Ray a call. And I gave her his phone number.

I hope she calls him. And I hope he takes her somewhere. And I hope that that somewhere is K-town. And I hope she has stories for us.

Opening Credits

I had high expectations for yesterday - but they fell through.

I acquired the high expectations on Monday morning, when I returned to my apartment after my swim. This was the first time in weeks that Jake and I were getting ready at the same time. We were both going through our morning rituals in our respective bathrooms, but I could hear his music playing. I didn't recognize it but it was upbeat and powerful. It reminded me of pop rock from the 80s. And it reminded me of the opening credits to a movie.

You know, the type of movie in which there are "normal" suburban people who suddenly have something incredible happen to them. The movie always begins with the main characters getting ready for the day, completely unaware of their fates. And the character, if he's cool, has everything go his way: he catches the toast as it pops out of the toaster, the parking spot in front of the school is open. But if he's the loser character, the little brother gets in the bathroom first and the school bus drives away as he runs to it.

On Monday morning I felt like I was the cool character. Something was going to happen. Doc was going to whisk me away in his Delorean. Ducky and I would make plans for the upcoming dance. Or maybe, my father and I would switch bodies for a day.

My expectations have not panned out. The government forms I have been working on will make a terrible movie. The auditor's request will make no impact on the future, let alone take me there. But I'm not too disappointed. The movie could have turned out to be a horror flick or even worse, an M. Night Shymalan project.

Weekend Update

My weekend was frustrating and I don't feel that I got much out of it. A good deal happened but nothing very memorable. However, on paper the events look good, so perhaps the pay-outs will be later in life and perhaps I'll never even see the pay-outs.

For example, on Saturday evening I took Tyrone out. Tyrone is the high school kid I mentor through the YMCA. I had hoped that we could see a play at a little black box theater, where I have season tickets, but the show was sold out. So, instead we saw Corpse Bride. (This was my second time.) We ate dinner at the theater - it was the type of movie house with couches and tables and they bring real food out to you to eat during the movie. I brought Tyrone there because he's always talking about "the females" but I don't think he does anything with them. He just gets their numbers for now. But someday, when he is going out on dates, I want those dates to be more than Appleby's and the Cineplex. This mentoring is more than academics.

We did talk about school though. But most of the talking was on my part and usually it sounded more like a lecture. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm overstepping a line when I talk to Tyrone. I worry though that he's given an unrealistic view of life by this YMCA program and other self-esteem raising programs. I'm all for the "Dream Big" motto, but you also have to "Work Hard." In our discussion of possible careers and my stressing what subjects are important, I caught myself telling him, without thinking, "But you don't use verbs correctly." Ugh. Also, he's on block scheduling. He currently is taking "Working with Clay," but no Math. He spends 7.5 hours each week on pottery, but he struggles with simple arithmetic.

Friday night we went dancing at 80s Night. I brought a coworker who got drunk and kept bothering one of the girls with us. Touching, dancing too close, only talking to her even though the rest of us were standing right there. It was awkward - and somewhat creepy. Everybody said that they had a good time and they'd like to go again, but the girl has asked me if I wouldn't bring the coworker next time. Ouch.

I worked. I received a promotion, as of Saturday so, I was working those overtime hours at a new, higher billing rate.

I studied. Ask me about a pure endowment insurance. Or m-year deferred whole life insurance. DeMourve's Law? No problem. But I haven't learned about the premiums yet.

Jake came home from Mexico. And he leaves for his next assignment on Tuesday. It's like I'm back in my single apartment, but at a fraction of the rent.

I swam four kilometers but I ate a lot of junk food.

My minister told us about her new granddaughter who is the size of my foot, but only weighs less than 2 pounds. She brought one of her diapers to church to show us - the size, not the surprise inside. Actually I think it was a clean, unused diaper. It was so tiny, probably big enough to cover a tennis ball.

As you can see I did a good deal. I experienced things, but for some reason I feel that none of it was important. "85% of life is just showing up." I suppose that's what this weekend was.